It’s that time of year again (I swear it comes around quicker every year) where we bear witness to picture-perfect (Instagram-approved, obviously) Christmas preparations, happy families on the supermarket Christmas ads and the latest must-have matching pyjamas.

These rituals can help to whip up that Christmas spirit, but Christmas can also bring with it challenges, particularly for those who are hoping to positively co-parent through the festive period. Maybe this year is the first Christmas Day you won’t see in with the kids, maybe you’re trying to share the festivities with your ex, or perhaps you’ll have sole care of your children and are feeling the pressure. Whatever struggles you’re experiencing, you’re not alone.

Here are a few tips from a family lawyer on co-parenting over Christmas:

Plan ahead

Don’t leave your Christmas planning until the last minute. The earlier you can have the conversation about your expectations and the logistics with your ex, the better. Planning ahead can help avoid stress and anxiety.

You might find it helpful to use Cafcass’ ‘Our Child’s Plan’ - How an 'Our Child's Plan' (formerly 'Parenting Plan') can help | Cafcass.

You and your ex could consider exchanging Christmas gift lists to ensure the kids get what they want (but not two of each!), as well as agreeing on a budget so any financial disparity between you isn’t obvious to the children.

Keep the children’s best interests in mind

Understandably, this is often easier said than done. Parents can get caught up in what’s ‘fair’ for them and the need for ‘equality.’ However, what adults think is fair isn’t always what’s best for the children. For example, having a handover on Christmas Day can cause stress for children (and you), especially if you and your ex don’t live close together. You might want to consider one of you having the children for the whole day and alternating each year. If your children are old enough, perhaps you could talk to them about how they would like to spend Christmas.

The bottom line is, always keep the needs and interests of the children in the forefront of your mind.

Be realistic

Whilst I said above that you could speak to the children about their wishes, Christmas is a special day, and, understandably, many children would ideally want to spend the time together as a family, which can be upsetting for parents.

Depending on your relationship with your ex, it might be possible for you to set aside a small amount of time during the holidays for you to spend as a family, whether it’s at someone’s house, opening presents or having coffee and cake in a cafe. It may not be possible for you, and that’s ok too. If it will cause tension, it’s not worth it. Either way, it’s important to manage the expectations of the children and remain realistic.

Be open to flexibility and ongoing communication

If it’s possible for you to keep in touch with your ex, do so. You may find that co-parenting apps such as Our Family Wizard can help.

We all know Christmas doesn’t always go to plan. You and/or your ex might need to change your arrangements. Be open to that and try not to get frustrated.

Create new Christmas traditions

Christmas is said to be a time for contemplation. It’s also a time when a lot of people pretend to be perfect. It can leave people feeling not good enough, remembering how things were.

Yes, things are different now that you’re separated, but you can use this time to create new traditions for your family. You can involve older children in planning or surprising the younger ones. Show them that whilst things might be different this year, change can be exciting.

Stay positive

Fear of missing out on special moments can be stressful and take the magic out of Christmas. Try to keep a positive environment – take each day as it comes, don’t sweat the small stuff and make sure you make time for yourself as well as the children.