You may recognise a familiar pattern: every discussion turns into an argument, you find yourself trying to repeatedly explain and justify yourself to no avail, agreements are repeatedly revisited, information arrives late or not at all, and separation seems to create new opportunities for control. People sometimes describe this experience as “divorcing a narcissist”. The term may feel relevant to your situation, but it is not a legal test. Narcissistic Personality Disorder can only be diagnosed by a suitably qualified clinician and in my experience, there are few cases where this diagnosis is in place.

Although a formal diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder may not be present in a family case, clients may describe behaviour they regard as narcissistic or recognise patterns associated with high-conflict or controlling relationships. Our approach is therefore to focus less on clinical labels and more on the specific behaviours that can make divorce or separation particularly difficult, together with the practical and legal steps that may help. This article explains how those behaviours can affect divorce, financial and children proceedings in England and Wales, and how the right legal support can help you move forward with greater clarity and confidence.

Can one spouse prevent the divorce?

Deciding to leave a controlling or high-conflict relationship can feel daunting. A common concern is whether the other person can prevent the divorce from going ahead.

Under the Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act 2020, one or both spouses may apply for a divorce order and the statement that the marriage has broken down irretrievably is treated as conclusive. There is a minimum 20-week period before the conditional order (previously decree nisi) can be made and a further minimum six weeks before the final order (previously decree absolute) is granted.

Your spouse cannot stop the divorce simply because they do not want it to proceed or do not accept that the marriage is over. They may cause practical delays—for example, by making service more difficult—but disagreement alone is not a defence to the divorce.

It is worth remembering that the divorce process does not, by itself, resolve financial matters or arrangements for children. The timing of the final divorce order can also affect pensions, inheritance and other rights. Taking advice at an early stage can help ensure that the different parts of your separation are considered together.

When communication becomes part of the conflict

Communication can become one of the most exhausting parts of a high-conflict separation. Messages may be frequent or provocative, and every point may be presented as urgent. It is understandable to feel that you must answer immediately, but doing so can increase both stress and legal costs.

A sensible approach is usually to keep communication written, brief and focused on practical decisions. It may help to agree one channel for contact, a reasonable timeframe for replies and a separate arrangement for genuine emergencies. You do not need to respond to every accusation or debate the other person’s motives.

At JMW, we are experienced in managing difficult correspondence. We can help keep communication constructive and focused, separate important issues from background conflict and avoid unnecessary “litigation by correspondence”. This allows you to preserve your energy and concentrate on the decisions that matter.

Financial disclosure, shifting positions and delay

In financial remedy proceedings, both parties must give the court full and frank disclosure. In practical terms, this means providing an accurate picture of income, outgoings, assets and debts so that a fair outcome can be reached.

This can be challenging if one person controls the financial records, provides information in stages or insists that particular assets should not form part of the discussion. If this is happening, you do not have to resolve the problem alone or rely simply on the other person’s account.

The right response will depend on the circumstances. It may include asking focused questions, obtaining information or expert evidence from an appropriate third party, and seeking clear court directions if voluntary disclosure is incomplete. If there is credible evidence that assets may be moved or spent, urgent protective steps may sometimes be available. These applications require careful preparation and should not be made without a proper evidential basis.

Children: keeping the focus on welfare

Co-parenting can be particularly difficult where communication is already strained. You may experience repeated changes to arrangements, frequent demands for information or disagreements about relatively small details. The priority is to reduce opportunities for conflict while keeping the children’s needs at the centre of every decision.

Where it is safe and appropriate, a clear parenting plan or carefully drafted court order may help. It can cover handovers, holidays, and important decisions. However, too much detail can sometimes create further points of disagreement. The right level of structure will depend on your family, the history of the arrangements and any identified risks.

If controlling or coercive behaviour may affect a child’s welfare, the court has a legal framework for considering it. The focus will be on the behaviour itself, any pattern it forms, the risk of harm and its effect on the child and each parent. Clear examples and supporting evidence are generally more helpful than relying on a personality label.

Looking beyond the label

You may feel strongly that the term “narcissist” explains your spouse’s behaviour. However, trying to prove the label is unlikely to help the court decide the financial outcome or the arrangements for children. It can also divert attention and resources away from the issues that directly affect you and your family.

A more effective approach is to identify specific behaviour and explain its practical effect. Examples might include repeated failures to provide financial information, breaches of an order or proposals that appear reasonable but do not work in practice. Dates, documents and clear examples are usually more persuasive than descriptions of character.

It can help to organise each concern around three questions: what happened, what evidence supports it and why does it matter to the legal decision? This keeps your case focused and can reduce the risk of time and money being spent on disputes that will not change the outcome.

The court will not usually determine whether one person is a narcissist. It will consider the evidence relevant to the decisions it must make, such as whether financial disclosure is complete, whether orders have been followed and what arrangements best meet a child’s welfare needs. This is why a clear chronology, focused evidence and a proportionate legal strategy are usually more valuable than extensive material intended to prove a personality type.

Practical steps that protect your position

• Take early, confidential advice. Understanding your position before sharing detailed plans or making significant financial decisions can give you greater control and help you avoid unnecessary risk.
• Gather information lawfully. Keep copies of documents to which you are entitled, but do not access private accounts, emails or devices without authority.
• Keep a clear record. Note significant events, proposals, missed arrangements and outcomes in calm, neutral language. Where possible, link each point to a supporting document or message.
• Set communication boundaries. Use one written channel, give yourself time before replying and respond only to points that genuinely need an answer.
• Be clear about your priorities. Decide what matters most to you, whether that is achieving workable parenting arrangements, securing suitable housing or protecting a business.
• Focus on useful evidence. More material is not always better. A concise, organised record is often easier to understand and more persuasive than a large collection of hostile messages.
• Review the strategy as the case develops. If a process is being used to delay rather than resolve matters, your solicitor can advise whether firmer court directions or a binding decision would be more effective.

How JMW can help

At JMW, we understand how draining a high-conflict separation can be. We look beyond labels and focus on the behaviour that is legally relevant and the outcome you need. We can help you put a clear plan in place and help you make informed decisions without losing sight of the bigger picture.

Your first conversation with us does not need to be about proving a diagnosis. It is an opportunity to explain what has been happening, understand your options and identify the next practical step. If you are considering divorce or separation and expect complex financial or children issues, JMW’s Family Law team can help you move forward with a strategy tailored to you and your family.