Co-parenting after separation can be challenging at the best of times, but where one parent is difficult, controlling or displays narcissistic traits, it can feel particularly exhausting. In this blog, Beth Davies, Associate in JMW’s Family team, looks at how parents can manage this tricky dynamic, protect their boundaries and keep the focus firmly on their children’s wellbeing.

What does co-parenting actually mean?

When a relationship ends, the couple’s personal relationship may be over, but if they have children together, they will usually still need to communicate and make decisions as parents for many years.

But what does ‘co-parenting’ actually mean? Often it is imagined as some form of bucolic picture of continued family time, special occasions and shared experiences. In reality, co-parenting means parents communicating effectively and showing mutual respect to co-ordinate the care and welfare of their children whilst maintaining separation as two individuals.  For co-parenting to work successfully, there needs to be a foundation of trust, respect and communication.

Why co-parenting with a narcissist can be difficult

Whilst Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is relatively rare, it is possible for narcissistic traits to be present in an individual to the extent that co-parenting with such a person can be an extremely difficult endeavour. In these circumstances, parents can often find themselves questioning whether co-parenting is even possible.

Navigating co-parenting with a narcissist

When assisting parents who find themselves in these situations, there are various key issues that present themselves that require careful navigation.

1. Boundaries – It is important to share information only to the extent required to ensure that the welfare of the children is prioritised.  One parent may not be able to cope with the loss of control that comes with the breakdown of a relationship and the subsequent absence of the other co-parent from their home and personal lives. They may seek to re-assert and maintain control and involvement through the children. This can present itself as intrusive questioning about where the parent with care is spending their time, who with and frequent and unnecessary contact by way of telephone calls or emails.
2. Respect – A successful co-parenting relationship is reliant upon mutual respect for the other’s views and decisions as a separate but equal parent. Those displaying narcissistic personality traits may view themselves as the more capable parent and may not be able to accept any parenting suggestions either from the other parent or third parties. They may seek to make and implement decisions either unilaterally or after having attempted to ‘browbeat’ the other parent into agreement.
3. Prioritising the child – Co-parenting should always focus on what is best for the child, both practically and emotionally. Where one parent displays narcissistic traits, this can be more difficult. Typical traits may include an inflated sense of self-importance and a deep need for admiration, which can make it harder for that parent to recognise or respond to the feelings and needs of others. In a parenting context, this may mean that decisions are viewed through the lens of what feels best for that parent, rather than what is truly best for the child. This can sometimes lead to a controlling approach, such as trying to dictate arrangements, presenting themselves as the “better” parent, undermining the other parent, or drawing the children into adult issues. In more serious cases, children may be used to gather information, pass messages or support one parent’s position, which can place them under unnecessary emotional pressure.

Parallel parenting: An alternative to traditional co-parenting

Co-parenting can therefore be an intense struggle and in some cases may simply not be possible. Where success can frequently be achieved is in adopting the strategy not of ‘co-parenting’ but of ‘parallel parenting’. This involves a subtle difference but requires only extremely limited contact between the parents based solely upon the need for communication of essential information about the children. This is in written form and fully documented with many parents adopting the use of parenting apps with added security features meaning that messages cannot be manipulated or deleted after sending. Maintaining such strict boundaries around written communication ensures that there is no margin for uncertainty and one parent cannot exploit or manipulate a situation to their advantage.

Sadly, it can be very hard for a parent displaying narcissistic traits to comply with those boundaries once imposed as it is inherent to try and overcome them, simply not accepting any decisions or rules imposed that they have not applied themselves. In some cases, therefore, the assistance of the court to set out a strict order governing arrangements, both for the care of the children and for communication between the parents is needed for boundaries to be set and for remedies to be available when those boundaries are breached.

When should you seek legal advice?

If any of the above feels familiar, it may help to seek advice from a family law specialist who understands how sensitive and emotionally difficult these situations can be. JMW’s Family team has experience in supporting parents through complex co-parenting issues with empathy, care and practical guidance, helping them consider their options and put in place arrangements that prioritise their children’s wellbeing and provide a healthier, more sustainable framework for the future.