Divorce is never easy, and it can feel even more stressful where there has been high-conflict, manipulative or controlling behaviour within the relationship. If you are separating from a spouse whose behaviour feels controlling, manipulative or relentlessly difficult, you may be looking for clear advice and reassurance about what happens next.

Ellena Mottram, a solicitor in our family team, answers some of the common questions people ask when they are divorcing a narcissist or dealing with narcissistic traits during divorce.

1. What is narcissistic personality disorder?

Narcissistic personality disorder is a personality disorder that affects the way a person thinks, feels, behaves and relates to other people. It is important to remember that people often use the word “narcissist”, but there is a real difference between someone showing difficult or self-centred behaviour and someone who has a recognised clinical condition.

Broadly speaking, narcissism and narcissistic personality traits are associated with an inflated sense of self-importance, a strong need for admiration, and difficulty showing empathy towards others. Some people may also be very sensitive to criticism, highly defensive, or prone to blame-shifting and manipulation.

In divorce proceedings, the issue is usually not the label itself but the behaviour and the effect it is having on communication, financial matters and arrangements for any children.

2. How frequently are you seeing narcissistic personality disorder as an issue in your cases?

We are seeing more clients raise concerns about narcissistic traits during separation and divorce. I think this is down to a combination of two things. Firstly, it reflects the greater public awareness of narcissism and controlling behaviour. Secondly and crucially for clients, these behaviours suddenly become more obvious once a separation begins, particularly where one person feels they are losing control of a situation.

Clients often come to us describing a pattern of behaviour that feels consistent with narcissistic traits, such as refusing to compromise, rewriting events, using children or finances as leverage, withholding information, or escalating conflict unnecessarily.

Our focus as family law solicitors is on the behaviour, the impact it is having, and the practical steps that we can take to help protect clients and move matters forward in the right way.

3. What is the best way for someone to communicate with a narcissist during divorce?

Where possible, it is usually best to keep communication calm, brief and focused on practical issues. That is often easier said than done. Messages are generally most effective when they are clear, neutral and limited to one or two specific points, rather than long explanations or attempts to revisit the wider relationship.

If direct or in person communication tends to lead to arguments, manipulation or gaslighting, it may be better to communicate in writing so there is a clear record of what has been said. It may also help to let solicitors handle communication, particularly if there has been intimidation, repeated provocation or a significant imbalance of power. Setting boundaries is important too. That may mean only responding to points that are genuinely relevant and refusing to be drawn into circular or hostile exchanges.

If children are involved, it helps to keep the focus on their needs, routines and welfare. If there are concerns about abuse, coercive control or personal safety, legal advice should be taken as early as possible.

4. What are the best legal strategies when divorcing a narcissist?

There is no single approach that works for every case, but preparation, boundaries and a clear strategy are essential. It is usually important to gather and preserve evidence carefully, whether that means financial records, written communications or a clear chronology of key events.

Divorce in England and Wales is a no-fault process, so the court will not usually be concerned with who caused the breakdown of the marriage. However, behaviour can still be highly relevant if it affects financial disclosure, the conduct of proceedings, personal safety, or arrangements for children.

In some cases, early solicitor-led correspondence can help create structure and reduce the scope for direct conflict. In others, firmer steps may be needed, such as asking the court to deal with certain issues, or considering protective measures where there has been domestic abuse or coercive control. Cases involving highly manipulative or high-conflict behaviour require a more strategic approach. The aim is to protect your position, stay focused on what matters most, and work towards a sensible and legally sound outcome.

Separation from someone with narcissistic traits can make an already difficult situation feel more exhausting, unpredictable and emotionally draining. With the right advice, a clear strategy and the right support in place, it is possible to approach the process with more confidence and control. If you are facing this kind of divorce or separation, taking advice at an early stage can help you understand your options and make informed decisions about the next steps.