It is a common misconception that people who find themselves in an emotionally abusive relationship recognise or understand what is happening to them, particularly where awareness of the language around emotional abuse has become more readily available in everyday life with the growth of an always-online culture and particularly across social media.

Even amongst the digital generation who may see and even use that language frequently,  the actual meaning of these words and their practical applications are often either unknown or misinterpreted, leaving victims of these kinds of abuse even less able to identify or understand what is happening to them, and in turn hindering their ability to access the help that is available to them.  

Here, some (although not all) of the most commonly used phrases that we come across as family lawyers are demystified.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is one of the most commonly found terms nowadays, both online and offline. True gaslighting, however, is where an abuser manipulates their victim into doubting their perception of reality. Examples of such behaviour can include simply misleading an individual, or creating a false narrative around an event that can lead the victim to question their own memory of feelings, leading to confusion, doubt and often a feeling of ‘going insane’.  The victim could raise entirely appropriate concerns about children, for example and will be told they are ‘paranoid’, ‘going mental’ or what they say ‘never happened’.

This is a subtle and often long-term abuse that creates a level of dependency of the victim upon the abuser as a result of the victim feeling unable to trust their own thoughts, feelings and instinct. We often see that clients who have been subjected to this behaviour feel unable to report a reliable history of their relationship to counter the narrative presented by a ‘gaslighter’ within financial remedy or children proceedings.

Microcheating

Microcheating is a form of infidelity considered ‘micro’ as this behaviour consists of small acts that don’t go as far as a physical affair but which, over time, undermine trust in a relationship. Microcheating is not equivalent to an emotional affair as it does not reach the scale of an inappropriate emotional relationship being formed with a third party. Rather, such actions can often be entirely unintentional and seem trivial when looked at individually; however, each minor instance of trespassing a couple’s boundaries and mutual behavioural expectations is not always unwitting in nature and can have significant consequences for the trust existing between a couple.

Examples can include messaging a third party in a non-sexual, but flirtatious manner or keeping a dating profile online and receiving notifications whilst in a monogamous relationship with another. Often this technique can be combined with gaslighting to minimise behaviours or make the victim feel as though they are overreacting or behaving inappropriately by raising their concerns.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is a refusal to communicate and withdrawing from a conversation or an argument to create distance, more commonly known as the ‘silent treatment’

As a one-off behaviour, this is extremely common and not necessarily an example of abusive behaviour; it is understandable sometimes for a person to find it difficult to engage in a stressful interaction. Where stonewalling or the ‘silent treatment’ becomes prolonged, a pattern of behaviour or used as a way of ‘punishing’ the other person, this can reduce or remove altogether the ability of a couple to discuss feelings or resolve disputes in a healthy manner, leaving the person being ‘stonewalled’ feeling emotionally neglected or like they are treading on eggshells. This can pose a particularly difficult obstacle when attempting to negotiate any outcome for both finances on divorce or arrangements for children when a party becomes unresponsive, in the knowledge that this will hand them a level of power in the other party having to ‘do all the running’.

Narcissism

It is important to differentiate between narcissistic behaviours and true narcissists. Whilst narcissistic behaviours can be found as part of any set of traits, e.g. highly self-involved behaviours such as a need for admiration from others or a lack of empathy, not everybody that has narcissistic traits will be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (“NPD”).

NPD can present itself in a number of ways. An individual may think themselves to be superior to others and believe they must have the best of everything.  Other individuals with NPD may be insecure but project confidence and need to be treated as though they are special to avoid feeling that insecurity or inferiority.

Those with NPD are extremely difficult to deal with when seeking to negotiate financial arrangements and arrangements for children, as they will rarely concede ground, or consider a situation in which they are not seen by the world at large to have ‘won’. Expert legal advice is essential when dealing with a narcissist within family proceedings. 

Baiting

Baiting is a recognised behaviour both inside and outside intimate partner relationships and involves deliberately ‘baiting’ or provoking somebody into saying or doing things that they would not have said or done absent that provocation. A ‘baiter’ can then often combine this tactic with ‘gaslighting’ as set out above, by identifying the behaviour and making the ‘baitee’ feel ashamed, like they are the aggressor or the abuser in the relationship, leaving them questioning their own perceptions of interactions and their sense of self. Baiting is often used as an ‘evidence gathering’ exercise within family law proceedings, the abuser seeking to use the victim’s behaviour after baiting has been applied, to undermine their credibility and portray their character inaccurately.

Breadcrumbing

Breadcrumbing is the act of only providing small and intermittent bits of attention of affections, like ‘breadcrumbs’, to ensure that a person remains in the relationship and committed, whilst the breadcrumber can avoid providing any genuine level of commitment or emotional investment, preventing a relationship from growing into one of healthy mutual respect in which both parties' emotional needs are met. Breadcrumbing can often appear alongside other forms of emotional abuse such as stonewalling for periods, with shorter periods of affection ‘breadcrumbed’ in to avoid the victim reaching the point of exiting a relationship and continuing their emotional reliance upon their abuser.  

This can be particularly harmful after a relationship has ended. An abuser may offer small signs of progress or cooperation to discourage the victim from taking legal steps, such as contacting solicitors or issuing a court application. Once the victim has delayed taking action, that progress may then be withdrawn, leaving them further manipulated and no closer to resolving matters.

Love Bombing/Hoovering

Love bombing/hoovering can be found either at the very start of a relationship or as a tactic of emotional manipulation applied throughout. The act of love bombing is where an abuser overwhelms their victim with love and affection, commonly at the outset of a relationship, to gain control of an individual very quickly, often by showering them with attention, interest and sometimes material gifts. After the love bombing phase, once the victim believes themselves to be wholly in love and reliant upon their abuser for happiness, the love bomber will often ‘turn’ and withhold love, manipulating the victim into believing that they are at fault for the change in behaviour and must amend their own behaviour to try to make the abuser ‘happy’.

Where intermittent love bombing takes place between periods of the withdrawal of loving behaviour, the recommencement of affection is often referred to as ‘hoovering’, a metaphorical description of the drawing of the victim back into the relationship, into a place of feeling love and secure, before the withdrawal of that love takes place again, entrenching the manipulation and reliance cycle.  It can be extremely difficult for a victim of this behaviour to maintain their exit from a relationship long enough for divorce proceedings to be finalised or to conclude a financial settlement.

The above behaviours are examples of the many ways in which emotional abuse can present itself in a relationship. Such emotional abuse can very frequently extend beyond the end of a relationship, with the same tactics being deployed within the legal arena, in respect of finances and arrangements for children, which can add layers of complexity to an already stressful time for a victim attempting to extricate themselves from their abuser.

If any of the dynamics discussed above feel familiar, whether in your current relationship or in your relationship with a former partner or co-parent, you may find it helpful to speak with a family law specialist. Sensitive, tailored legal advice can help you understand your options and consider the best way forward.